MEDIC! A Team Fortress 2 Musical (Lyrics)

There's a certain hellish realm,
Reserved for everyone who yells,
'They need the Medic!' (MEDIC!!)
Every evening while I sleep,
While I'm busy counting sheep,
They all bleat 'Medic!' (Medic...)
When I'm eating, when I'm reading,
Or excreting on the john,
There's no hiding from the screaming in my mind!
There's no place in heaven high
Where I can crawl away and die...
The only real solution, absolutely homicide!

'MEDIC!'
Oh, speak of the devil...

All the wounds I've ever sealed,
All the booboos that I've healed,
I'm a changed Medic! (MEDIC!)
Now these injuries can stay,
While I blow some noobs away,
Beware the Medic! (MEDIC!)
The Soldier and the Sniper, I'm afraid they've not got long.
The Demoman and Pyro quickly fade...
And the Medic will just laugh,
As the Heavy's torn in half,
By the Medic and his Bonesaw's gruesome blade!

Now, the Sniper has jars of Jarate-
Clear glass bottles he fills with piss.
When he hits all his foes, he crits all of his blows!
He has that... I have this!
The Engineer has electronics,
And the Spy's got disguises and tricks,
And the Pyro's insane! (Eh, the Scout's kinda lame...)
They do that... I do this! I do this...

If you'd like a reason why
My entire team should die,
Then play the Medic!
Well my friends, the doctor's out...
Of his whole mind, so simply shout!
You'll get no Medic!
I don't care about points or payloads,
Only psychopathic sprees,
Nor which colour team you're playing,
RED or BLU... (MEDIC!)
And if I see just one more hat,
I'll tear your insides out like that!
Like Saxton Hale on a safari at the zoo!

I'm a physician on a mission and contrition's not my style,
Am I a monster or a Mann, I cannot say!
All I know is that my Über's locked and loaded like a trooper!
Medicare's
One shot away!
If you think I've arrived bearing safety,
But I come not with peace but a sword!
There's a high price to pay for the health I've purveyed,
All I do, you've ignored,
All I do, I've abhorred!

I once,
Was a man who was valiantly healing,
Everyone crying, 'Medic!'
I once,
Healed a Spy
Who then knifed me goodbye,
That's when I learned to just let people die!
Let them die!
Leave the Demoman for dead!
Let the Heavy fill with lead!
Meet the new Medic!
May the Pyro be enflamed!
May you loathe this wretched game
Without the Medic!

May your papers all be stolen,
Your intelligence be lost!
May your sandviches be full of rancid meat!
And the first fool that I hear who calls for Medic
Gets their rear rent surgically--!

'Ooh!'

_{By me, your friendly PH.D, the Medic.}